Sometimes I worry I’ll never find love, or I’ll never find anyone who feels as strongly about me as I do them. I don’t want to settle or break promises… but it seems that following my heart is bringing me further away from the one I’m chasing, and leading me closer to a lonely future.
It’s not that I don’t think you’re strong, or independent, or smart. It’s not that I want to control you, or manipulate you, or baby you. It’s that I love you more than anything in the world, from the day you turned around from facing the carousel, and your beautiful hair swished in slow-motion, and your eyes met mine. I can’t help but want to take care of you, hold my hand out so you don’t hit rock bottom, reach my arm out for you to grab on to so I can pick you back up. I want to be everything that you need, the eternal love you always wanted, the person who never gave up and never stopped believing in you. I want to be what your heart wants, deep down in the most secret spot that only gets attention when you’re absolutely alone and everything else is quiet.
I want us back. We were here. We were so close. We were meant to be. Everything can be forgiven with a simple hug, and everything can be forgotten with a kiss on the lips.
Please, someday, say “I love you” again.
I’ve been missing Kayla so much lately. I have missed her ever since we broke up, but lately things have just gotten worse. I don’t know if it’s because of the holiday season. We actually first started seeing each other around Christmas in 2007. The holidays always had a special place in my heart because of that. But I think it’s just the fact that I haven’t seen her for so long… I haven’t kissed her or held her or even heard her voice in SO long I can’t even function anymore. I’m drained. She is such an important part of me, and I am just so empty without her. Not knowing where she is, or if she is okay, kills me. Every single night I pray for her, and pray for us, and just beg God to make me accomplish whatever I need to make her fall in love with me again.
The other day when I was in Aeropostale, I was thinking of her, and when I went to check out, there was a sticker on the counter that said “Bayla.” That was her AOL screen name and her MySpace name and idk… just something she used for stuff, and it just broke my heart. Then, I was crying on my way to work today because I missed her, and when I walked in, I heard the song “We Belong” by Pat Benetar on the radio. She always played that song for me. That was one of “our songs.” It again broke my heart. It’s almost as if these little things are a sign from God that I shouldn’t give up…. that maybe things aren’t over. But either way, I know it reaffirms the fact that she is the girl I am supposed to love.
It doesn’t matter if she ever takes me back, or ever loves me again. I’ll still be there for her. I will be here just in case she needs me. She is the love of my life, and she is the person I’m supposed to give everything to, and be there for. I feel like that is one of the reasons I am on this earth. God put me in her life for a reason, and he put her in mine for a reason. She is what keeps me alive… she keeps me breathing. Everything I do, I do in hopes that it makes her proud, or that she notices, or it brings me closer to her. I work hard just in case I ever need to support her. I’ve cleaned up my act and gone to rehab so that I could be a better person for her. I’ve fought all of my health problems this past year so that I could be around for her. She motivates me in ways I can’t even explain. If I was a writer, she’d be in the inside cover of everything I wrote. Everything is “for Kayla.” I dedicate everything to her.
I miss her, and I can’t bear the thought of not bringing in 2010 with her. I secretly hope that at 11:59, she appears and tells me she still loves me…. that she always did… and that she ran away because she needed a break or that she was scared. I secretly wish that she still loves me, she just doesn’t know how to say it, or doesn’t know how to come back. And even if I’m incredibly delusional, that tiny little hope in the back of my mind keeps me from just ending everything because without her there is no reason to go on. I want to make her smile again, and make her happy again. I want her to talk my ear off, and give me a kiss on the neck. I want to hold her hand, and walk her to her door. I want to wake up to her phone calls. I want her back. I want to start the next chapter of our relationship. I want to build my life with her.
My resolution for the new year is to get her back, no matter what it takes. No matter how hard it is, I’ll try. She is worth every tear, every sleepless night, every dark thought. Because when she loves me back, when she looks into my eyes, I’m the happiest person in the whole world, and all of the pain and struggle just disappears. If she walked through my door right now, I’d forget everything and start over. I wouldn’t care who’s fault what was, or whether or not I could trust her or rely on her. I would. I’d just jump in head first and give her all of me all over again. It’s worth it. She’s worth it. She’s perfect, and I’ll never give up on her.
Everyone in her life has abandoned her at some point. She can’t count on her family, but she will always be able to count on me. I’ll never go away. I’ll never break. I’ll struggle and fight and cry, but I’ll still be here. She’s worth it, and she deserves that. I met the girl who deserves someone who will never give up on her no matter what she does to me. I am strong enough to deal with the pain, because my love for her is so powerful, it makes me capable of anything.
Kayla, if you read this, please come home. Please come back. I’ll make you smile again, and I’ll make you happy again. I’ll take care of you. I will love you more than anyone else ever could or ever will. I’ll save you, and I’ll protect you. I’ll keep you warm. I will never let you go again. I will love you forever.
