Steven Michael Kudelko

One year ago, I woke up thinking that everything was fine.  I texted my girlfriend, because I loved her.  I went to Ricky’s house, to help everyone prepare for the funeral that would happen later that week.  It was a sad day, but I felt secure and loved and I was generally happy.

Then, later that evening, Kayla told me she didn’t love me anymore and broke up with me.  My world fell apart, just like that, with one phone call.  It’s been one year, and despite some of the best help that friends and licensed therapists can offer, I’ve haven’t had much success getting my world back together.

I guess that’s because my world was held together with love.  When I was younger, and other kids would be playing Super Nintendo, I’d be watching Forrest Gump and crying when Forrest didn’t get Jenny the first few times.  I’d tear up when I’d see sitcoms with romantic situations.  I didn’t know if I wanted to be a professional baseball player, or a metrologist, or a teacher when I grew up…. but I knew I wanted that love that Forrest had for Jenny.  I wanted to have a relationship that made people cry… made people FEEL… like those I witnessed.

I found that.  Kayla Mihalcin gave me that.  And for years and years before finally committing to each other, there was a deep sense of security and confidence that no matter how much it sucked in the present, the future would be alright.

I felt like in an instant, she tore my future apart.

Now, I believe the things she told me, and the things we shared.  I believe that our relationship… all of them throughout history… were passionate and loving and REAL.  When I tell anyone else the story, it’s obvious it can’t be denied.  So why am I so miserable now?

I’m not crazy.  I’m not insane.  I’m really not.  I believe in the girl that I fell in love with, and I believe that the circumstances she’s faced in the past year have turned her into someone she’s really not, deep down at heart.  I want to bring her back to who she was.  Because I believe that when she was with me, and when she shared in the love we had, she was amazingly perfect, and she could do anything.  I feel like she’s lost her way, and I know that she’s had everyone in her life, at one point or another, give up on her.  I love her way too much to give up on her.  Plain and simple.

I’ve failed in being patient.  I’ve failed in giving her the time and space and freedom she needs.  But I will never not love her, and I will never not be there, if she ever comes back to life as the person I know she truly is, because I know, deep down in my heart, that THAT person, THAT Kayla, who contrary to what people say, doesn’t just change in college into a completely different person who doesn’t remember anyone who ever impacted her life…. that person and I have a love that can’t be broken.

I continue to wait for the day where I can hold her hand and say “it’s all going to be okay” and we can continue to love each other like normal.  So… that’s why I am the way I am.  I guess that, up until now, I felt like that the REAL Kayla would never treat me or anyone else like this.  I felt like if I could somehow let her see how badly she hurt me, she’d snap out of it, because the Kayla I fell in love with would NEVER hurt me like this.

I continue to believe this, but there has to be a better way to execute it…. because right now, she hates me forever, and I’m alone.  So, if anyone has any ideas to help me, please share them.  If anyone out there believes in God, pray that Kayla finds her way.  Pray that she’s the Kayla that everyone loved for years, who smiled naturally, and wasn’t mean.  Pray that the Kayla who I know exists…. who I know is my soul mate… comes back to life.  I can’t do it alone, and it’s getting so hard that I’m afraid I might snap, and then I won’t be able to be there for her at all.